Here's a clip from one of the most amazing shows ever put on air- Joan of Arcadia.
If you have not met, Joan is a modern day Joan of Arc high school student who receives assignments from God. Here she is singing a solo in the school play about Zombie love and war:
I = Look inside.
What if the answer to my own question is "No?" What if I'm not strong enough to make it through? Can transformation kill me?
It's Valentine's day: My mom's heart is broken and I was so caught up in myself I totally blew her off when we saw her for my son's bday dinner yesterday. Now I haven't been able to connect. I feel uncertain.
My dad is gone by choice and I thought I'd always be his valentine. Now the thought is dangerous. I feel confused.
i know at one time i mattered and that i am now discarded. I choose not to get caught up in that. I choose to be myself. I feel sortof powerful.
Welcome to winter. Welcome to Zombieland- where an ugly life is the first step after death.
The death of my past concerns are the death of a belief that I am nothing. Death includes killing a need to perform on demand for someone else's pleasure. Death reveals I am no longer invincibally strong outside.
I see a strong core and soft exterior emerging. This is my harvest!
Last week, many dreams came true. I was able to spend a full week meeting and interracting with Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. They are even more amazing in person than their words are in print!
I met the MOST amazing group of people I have ever seen in real life! There was so much energy, dedication, and inspiration! If any of you who met me in Ventura see this- I'd love to stay in touch. Please, drop a line to aurabernialis@gmail.com.
I also got to try surfing. That day was GLORIOUS! The surfshop owner found a wetsuit to match my hair. There was a seal that came and played the morning with me. I wasn't quite strong enough to get on my feet, but I can ride on one knee and one foot! The afternoon brought a bike-ride with a bike that matched my hair and a pod of dolphins or little black whales to keep me company.
I even made new derby friends and got to spend a workout with them OUTSIDE!!!!
So, Cinderella, what's the problem? I'm still healing my legs. I adored every moment of freedom where I could gear up and head along the beach on a paved- mostly- path, listening to my tunes and enjoying the view of sun and surf. I could believe for an hour at a time that I was strong, capable, and free. I was excited to return and workout with my rollerderby team for real.
Then, I found myself barely able to walk. I also discovered a deeper fear and more intense definition of pain than I ever want to relive with this &*&%^%$$#@@@ condition of my nervous system.
I could have made some of the best friends of my life, but I left.
I am so ashamed: I gave up. I came home early. I spent the next three days staring in space seemingly unconscious for hours at a time.
I am so obsessed with this Joan video- gorgeous song, disgusting make-up. Powerful message of love, set within a war. Moon- shadow. Noon- night. Real life queen of the dead. SO VIVID!
Willing: What's a brighter focus?
Oy. As Joan sings: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust- when you see we're made of the same stuff? We are not flesh we are not blood. We are Love. We are Love. Won't you share your light?"
I want to say, "NO." The light is too bright. It hurts my eyes! It hurts my legs! IT HURTS EVERYWHERE!
No one said it would be easy to be a zombie.
The one thing I know I am willing to commit to is allowing transfomation to be easy. This theme has been creeping up in many ways over the past few weeks. I think it is getting brighter. If the message is brighter, maybe the commitment and manifestation can be too....
I commit to relaxing in vulnerable ease as I breathe in the love, support and peace pervading my life.
Whew.
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